Beyond The Pain Barrier

I haven’t written for some time – not because I have nothing to share but the opportunity to consolidate the process into understandable paragraphs is limited to my physical and mental ability to catch my breath and focus…..Those of us in this journey have likened it to a roller coaster, a marathon……or a soap opera……

After a year and a half of investing in this restoration process we are right now seemingly in our ‘lowest’ and most challenging season with these kids......and it is in this place I am discovering the most peace.

With all the progress these children have made over this time, some are still choosing and plotting their runaway back to the street which proceeds a return to solvent abuse, promiscuous behaviour to pay for addictions and survival mentality – Even those who have been most settled and ‘successful’ in carving for themselves a new life with us at House of Joshua have unexpectedly U-turned back around. 

Everyone wants to understand and know ‘why’?????……

Why return to the filth, danger, minimal survival?.....Even the children themselves can’t answer those questions. But they have ‘tried’ family……and for them right now it still isn't enough…..

The summer is relentlessly fierce this year – the heat imprisons us all inside – there is boredom and restlessness…….. (not helped by a broken TV and power cuts! J) The street enticingly and magnetically offers some kind of alternative escape and ‘freedom’ but they soon rediscover it is a deceptive mirage, the grass isn't greener and they are no happier back on the other side……

They return again.......they run again.......like boomerangs.....

Equally some of our staff are emotionally drained and stretched out with this extended painful and difficult road of loving…… and losing;.....the battles, the tears, the tantrums, the fights, the sleepless nights, the prayers, the investment and expectation for some small sign of compensation for their sacrifice …….After giving everything and now facing another defeat they are understandably empty and ready to leave too......

Checkmate!

I have of course myself questioned much as we try to lead this ministry and hold the threads together. Is this failure?.......We have done all. Why is it not enough?.....The price of obedience is costly. Even the tears and disappointment of my own children trying to understand why their friends have gone (again) gashes my heart. They are not just faces, or numbers, statistics to post -they are family....and that is why it hurts us all.

 In my times of despair and discouragement however I am uncovering a secret treasure in the darkness…..The greatest success is being exposed……………

Whatever these kids do, wherever they go, whatever is ‘wasted’ in whatever degree accomplishment is measured against us, I have finally fathomed my heart’s greatest triumph….

I STILL LOVE!

It doesn't make sense, it is raw, inflamed and sometimes bleeding freely…..but it hasn't stopped flowing….Whatever tries to weaken, disable, choke or submerge it’s resolve, I continually find that it pops up again, like a cork, buoyant and resistant. 

It has remained absolute, unreserved, undeserved and unrewarded…..it is messy and unrestrained, often discarded and futile but I am not able to prevent it resurfacing.

We may be judged as foolish, unproductive, or fruitless, or mocked for squandering our lives among these ones…..I will humbly accept those conclusions and criticisms…..A just verdict for what seems like a lost cause.

But whether you believe and accept it or not - Love IS an absolute!

YES – it is absurd, irrational, illogical and unreasonable but that is why it always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres – It is tough - and it has to be - That is why it never fails.....

I don't have the answers - the experts have strategies and suggestions.....but they are useless and don't work.....BUT this is the only thing I do have to give......and if it doesn't work and breakthrough there isn't anything left that will.

‘Now these three remain – faith, hope and love….but the greatest of these is love’ (HIS....not mine!)

1 Corinthians 13:13

Two Sparrows For a Penny

I wrote back in October ‘Wanting to be Wanted’ of ‘P’ a young, mischievous boy who returned to the home and care of his grandmother. I was so heavy hearted and worried about this little boy – his departure from HOJ felt so wrong and despite my longing to ‘keep him’ I knew that  he couldn’t be persuaded to stay……..

He arrived back at our gate just before Christmas – dirty, ragged again, wounds on his body and a giant black bruise on his chin. The day that he left I was right to worry……
Once back at his Grandmothers house, his father who impatiently waited to leave my office, apparently beat him black and blue continually, releasing his monstrous rage upon a small little frame who wanted nothing more than to belong.

My instincts (and fears) had been right; The next day ‘P’ was back on the street – a  runaway from a childish fantasy now in splintered pieces……..

Another street boy brought him back to HOJ as he didn’t know the way back ‘home’……..but now he has found it!

Another entry ‘Open Eyed’ shared just part of the story of our unplanned involvement with a street family who we ended up helping to build a house in an effort to get them off the streets….a small step forward in a long restoration process.

A rebuilt shelter doesn't make a home and this poor family have a difficult and tumultuous history……

I suppose many would weigh up the ‘pro’s and cons’ before responding and measure the value of it all –Is it worth the time, effort or money????……Perhaps we should have too? There is definitely wisdom in that but I also think the measure of real sacrifice doesn't wait to count the cost......or expect an unrealistic ‘and they all lived happily ever after’ end to the story….(Perhaps there might be one…….one day?)........but it’s a long way off from today’s reality.

After one particular follow up visit with this family, one of our staff members had confessed that he had wanted to steal the baby away from his drunken mother and momentarily considered how to smuggle the little boy in his backpack......

Any regrets?......perhaps?.......Its easier to walk on by than to be involved.

Another of their children 'D' was found and later rescued by our staff last week off the street – dirty and wet with a streaming cold after days and nights in the rains of Typhoon Agaton……ALONE!

He recounts that his parents had a fight and his mother returned to the streets (with the children)……

And his premature baby brother, the catalyst for stirring a crisis response to try to help this family?????

He is no more!

Regretful now?......Absolutely!

My heart dropped down through to my soles on hearing this news……I wanted to vomit, shout out in anger and cry all at once…… right there on the spot.......I myself had even previously wondered about offering to care for this tiny bundle of humanity clinging to life against the odds……I had often worried about him too after the various family visits where the mother was intoxicated and slowly poisoning him one feed at a time......'Breast is NOT best' here!!!!! - I had asked questions - We had tried to get them other help...... and tried to measure what was the 'right thing to do?' I was willing to take him……..I had prayed......

Now he has been taken already by hands much bigger than mine...!!

Waiting.....and counting the cost is wise..... but it can also mean yet another one falls to the ground and is lost!

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care." Matthew 10:29

Now we have two little sparrows back.......a second chance for them.....and for us!

The Rubble of Ground Zero

I have not really been able to put into words the sunken heart heaviness of witnessing the terror, suffering and devastation after Super Typhoon Haiyan ravaged through the centre of this country. Despite being miles away from the devastation zone it has impacted everyone across the nation.

 Broken Homes

I talked with a dear friend just last night who survived the onslaught in Tacloban city, now a wasteland of destruction and debris - lives destroyed. Several weeks later, the rawness of survival, the fear and reality of facing death eye to eye are so difficult for her to process and comprehend - in her words 'terrifying and life changing'!

We were able to send in a first Compassion In Action (CIA) Crisis Response Team last week who traveled 20 hours by road from Cagayan de Oro to distribute relief aid, comfort and support to 1000 families in San Jose, Ormoc City - just a tiny pinch in a vast dense ocean of need and desperation. We are now preparing for the 2nd outreach team to leave on Dec 9th. We are physically so far away but are compelled to pull together our resources and try to share love as a verb.....with action.....as much as we can with what we have.

 Packing Relief Goods

We have worked with street children and poverty stricken families for more than 10 years and were part of the response to the terrible flash flooding that swept away parts of our city 2 years ago, but to see whole regions now struck homeless, broken and dependent on outside help for their very basic survival is harrowing and overwhelming. A photo or video cannot really capture the empty desolation - You can't really describe the heavy spirit of death and depression lurking in every direction. To smell and touch and live with it is more than a camera shot can record. 

Just 2 walls left of a local church

The recovery and restoration process goes deep beyond the practical rebuilding of homes and livelihoods - How to rebuild the ruins of broken and traumatised hearts?.....The father who left his family in an evacuation center but returned to look for their lost bodies.....the mother who is still searching the scattered rubble for 3 of her missing children that were swept from her arms....the other 3 are already buried in a mass grave.

Relief Aid Distribution

As helpless as I feel at the enormity of the suffering and the numerous times I am reduced to tears, my heart's response can only be to stretch out in prayer: Money will not save the heart, food can feed a body, a roof can cover a home but truly only God can restore the ruins of a soul.

"Arise, cry aloud in the night At the beginning of the night watches; Pour out your heart like water Before the presence of the Lord ; Lift up your hands to Him For the life of your little ones Who are faint because of hunger At the head of every street." Lamentations 2:19

 Survivors Starting Life Again......

Wanting To Be Wanted

I arrived at HOJ yesterday to find a father and a grandmother sitting in my office. The located family of 'P' a dirty, hungry ragged boy that we rescued off the street for temporary shelter just 5 weeks ago.

His parents are separated and neither wants to take responsibility for him now that they have their 'OWN' lives, different partners and new families........He had been living with his Grandmother who found him too much to handle on her own as he is uncontrollable and kept running away preferring to hang out with the other street children who are more of a family to him. In just a few weeks with us it has been clear that he has seen and experienced much more than any 11 year old should see, know or be part of.......

His own drawings of his family are of coffins. He tells everyone his parents are dead......His teacher was shocked at his matter of fact statements when he started school.....He even asked her blankly if she would adopt him.

They are not dead physically but it is a true picture of his heart. Dead, gone, nothing left for him......

He has been restless at HOJ - longing to 'go home'.....but to what?

I sat there watching him, his father and his grandmother - 3 people related but disconnected, distant and silent.....The father seemed annoyed at the prospect of having to take responsibility for his son; a nuisance, interruption and embarrassment to his life and the things that he wants to do......It's the mothers fault he defends himself washing his hands of any part in P's life - awkward and uncomfortable at sitting next to him.We know personally many people who are longing for a child but he wishes he wasn't a father......
He really isn't a father....just a person unfortunately related by DNA - a burdensome mistake that he can't erase......He looks at the clock.....time ticking by......he needs to go to work.......

The Grandmother with softer compassion wants to protect and care for him but he is a stubborn difficult boy, attention seeking, impulsive, uncooperative, defiant,  but you can hardly expect anything else when he is so rejected, unwanted, lost. Despite his naughtiness, outbursts and cheekiness there is a sweetness to him - a tender little heart ......in there....still beating.....still longing......a light still flickering......

.....She prefers him to stay with us acknowledging honestly and humbly her limitations to meet his needs....

She tried to persuade him to stay, promised to visit him......you could see her anxious eyes praying for him to change his mind .......His silence and downward eyes......wanting to be wanted.....

He is just desperate to belong to someone.......anyone.....

She relented and agreed to take him 'home'....

The three left together but the 'reunion' has left my heart heavy - for I know he will be back on the street today......exposed once again to those who were taking advantage of him......using him for their own pleasures and gain......back to the 'family' that feels familiar.....

'Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty'
Mother Teresa

The Pursuit of Happiness?

This journey with our kids at HOJ is so often up and down - A home full of volatile boys living with mirrors of themselves in every room. Birds of a feather flock together - When one is angry with life and resistant to correction they gather and try to plot a secret run away plan to escape from what they are actually yearning for.....

 - Stability - Love that is not rocked, shaken...that withstands the testing.....and remains......no matter who they are, what they have done, what they do, where they go......or run to.....

Keeping ourselves and our staff from taking these escape attempts personally is sometimes a challenge. We are all working so hard, investing our hearts and often tears into children with l little thanks or appreciation rewards for our efforts. It can be disheartening if we are just clinging to the small breakthroughs and progress. Another runaway plan or attempt is a kick in the shin that bruises and buckles our knees for a moment. It could be easy just to shrug our shoulders and dismiss our hearts to not really care - It's more comfortable to distance ourselves and disconnect. A simple protective measure to prevent us from the hurt and fear of failure. How to respond? Throw in the towel -choose something else or someone else that gives more satisfaction.....meets OUR needs???

Unconditional love takes much more from the soul - it doesn't measure the cost, the outcome, the benefits, the obstacles or results......it continues, grows, deepens. How often we love with hidden expectations that measure and weigh.....

Many count the cost and walk away .....in pursuit of SELF.....

It is too high, requires too much of ourselves, our time, our money, our effort, our tears, our dreams, our pride, our position, our hopes, our prayers, our plans......Too many sacrifices.......and if we do decide to give it all......with nothing in return?????

To choose to stay, to throw away the measuring stick and to love anyway despite all that we see, feel and experience is the greatest adventure which is counted as never failing........

.....is real pursuit of HIM and his heart......

Love ' covers all, believes all, expects all, endures all. Love never fails......and now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love' 1 Corinthians 13

Open Eyed

I am challenged and inspired by my husband’s heart for the poor…….He and some of our staff went out into the city centre on Wednesday night looking for street children. They met two street families – one with a very sick girl with diarrhea sleeping with her little sister curled up beside her on s soiled cardboard box – a dirty, smelly makeshift bed upon the hard concrete ground. Spoiled rotten rice was their meal for the evening……while others enjoyed plates of hot food in nearby restaurants or thoughtlessly walked on by past their suffering .

Food, medicine, rehydration drinks, prayer – small offerings to share with a family with nothing but each other..

Just a block away, another family with 5 children were also sleeping in a shop doorway squeezed together.A poor shelter from the relentless downpours of the rainy season. 

Beneath the piles of clothes, hardly noticeable was a tiny 3 week old premature baby boy bundled up asleep. 

The other children were scattered around the market place – mingling among the night vendors, ladies on the corners waiting for customers, glue sniffers, addicts, market stalls, dealers, unaware of the dangers  and enticing influences surrounding their play area.

The father, slightly drunk, shared how they were forced to abandon their broken house on the other side of the city after the birth of their 5th little one as it is unlivable. He is a fisherman, but without a boat. No income, no food, a broken home and the weighty responsibility of survival. Despondent, defeated, losing hope…..a bottle provides a short escape from misery.

One father of 5 children, familiar with the vulnerabilities and difficulties of premature infants meets face to face with another. How to respond? How to reach out and help?

An evening street outreach quickly developed into an earnest, urgent, heartfelt response not only for 5 street children but for a whole family to remain intact and not disintegrate in poverty and despair.

One father’s simple offer?……To repair a broken home.

The following day they went with the family to their ‘house’. It was indeed unlivable – hardly a home or even a shelter - just a falling shack without a roof, walls or much of a floor –leaning at an angle and ready to collapse in the next rainfall - beyond repair.

Just one push and the rickety shack folded over, a pile of dilapidated jumble……

SO with sweat, splinters, and a few bruises between them, our staff lovingly and determinedly decided to give up their free time and spent the following 2 days building a NEW HOME.

A simple ‘Bahay Kubo’ native style house. Nothing fancy but somewhere to call ‘home’. It removes a whole family off the streets back close to the support of their extended family nearby and is a start in rebuilding their life TOGETHER.

FOLLOW UP

On Thursday our staff returned with more groceries, clothing, toys and basic household items and went in search with the father to find and buy him a boat.

There is a famous quote ‘Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day….teach a man to fish and you feed him (and his family) for a lifetime.’

There are many things that we are unable to change – and of course we can’t help everyone….but if we are ready to be available we can help start change that can last a lifetime.

THE DREAM CONTINUES

Long before we had the privilege of meeting this family we had talked often about the challenges of reaching out to street children – Not all of them are abandoned – many have families but poverty gives few choices or opportunities for a life beyond survival. It is critical that we respond to the roots of the problem and engage directly with families – These children need their parents but until the cycle is broken it continues with 2^nd and 3^rd generations of street children living desperate existences.

We dream for and are praying for some land where we can build more homes and work together with local communities to be able to offer street families the opportunity and support to help turn their lives and the futures of their children around. It is more than ‘social action’ or 'handouts' but taking the responsibility to see with open eyes and no longer be ‘passersby’ anymore…..

" Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations,
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.' Isaiah 58:12

Dreams don’t cost anything…….but making them active will be a great sacrifice…..

'All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake up in the day to find it was vanity, but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men (or women), for they may act their dreams with open eyes to make it possible.' T.E Lawrence (my edit about women :-) !!)

Change starts with us…..it has started here…..!

Recycling with a Difference

JV was one of our first boys to arrive at HOJ .....a boy from a broken home, disrupted life, with hurt, disappointment, anger, resentment......resistant to change, reluctant to trust......after 3 weeks with us he ran away.....

 We had all been so upset. Our staff spent several weeks looking for him on the streets....but he was nowhere to be found. We searched the street children's hangouts, checked under bridges, road crossings, squatter areas.....but no sign of him anywhere.

Now almost half a year later he was rescued by a visiting international mission team who were working daily at the city garbage dump. There he was, just 10 minutes drive from us, sleeping each night out under a tree, surviving alone, dirty, skinny and ragged.....(again)....A big circular journey that took him around the region and finally bought him back home.

We pass the garbage dump almost daily - a community living and working from salvaging and sorting through the city's waste. Dirty work. Small profits.

Perhaps we have a similar job? - sifting through the rubbish to rescue and salvage young discarded lives. Dirty, messy work.....Small rewards.....

But as my husband says 'If we don't - who will?'.....

There are few who will really get their hearts and hands dirty - get in the muck, and STAY THERE....Some days I would prefer a 'cleaner, easier' job without so much heart ache, disappointment, tears, frustration....something with more obvious 'fruit from the labour'.....
Its easier and more convenient to leave the garbage sorting for someone else ....and forget what has been thrown away.

RECYCLE - is a verb....an action......Its more than just converting waste into something reusable.....its a process of change - to be made ready for something else.....looking with new eyes beyond the raw material and seeing possibilities.....I think that is what makes the difference!