Fragments

It is over 8 months since I held our dying daughter in my arms and kissed her goodbye into eternity. I have considered writing blog posts to record my personal process of grief but have for now kept the scrambled scribbled paragraphs privately in my journal....perhaps to be shared sometime....when I am ready?

One reason for refraining from public disclosure is the unpredictability of loss. Although my heart was somewhat prepared for the inevitable, I had not anticipated the depth and extent of the impact on my own children or how difficult the road of heart recovery would be.

Their unexpected presence in the moment of last breaths, witnessing life itself dissolve before innocent eyes was both powerfully significant yet entangling and I have honestly struggled to help them unpack their own experience and fears transparently alongside the vulnerability of my own.

Walking them through deep, crushed questions, endless inner interrogations of their own beliefs and reconciling their fledgling hearts and faith with the ragged emotions that swoop down without warning unravelled me to my core.

Repeated replays of the last days and hours of life countless times have been both helpful and hurtful.... remembering and cherishing....but wanting to forget.....yet afraid that memories will discolour and fade with the time slipping by. 

I have subsequently wrestled unworthiness with a frantic soul grapple for meaning in the tragedy of beautiful potential erased. Sleepless confessions in long nights of self analysis recalling my personal failures; Insomnia.....prayer.....tears.... weighing the internal investigation against my wasted hours of meaningless self sufficiency. 

An urgent need for purpose among the questions that remain unanswered but heard in the dark silence eventually releases a humble admission of the insignificance of so many fleeting moments; just tiny grains of sand among infinite unknowns and a quiet longing for something more.

While dear friends and family around me also struggle with their own losses and battles, instead of trying to fix the unfixable I am at last OK to surrender the shards that may never fit together. I have abandoned the rescue effort and acknowledged it as futility, not as a victim but an intentional decision to grow steadfastly in and from the things that I cannot change and still choose love without measure......again!

This daily acceptance of ways beyond my own allows my soul to make peace with the pieces and let grace be enough for each moment. Growth is a choice and I still say YES to life.....whatever it holds......unreservedly......

" For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds. " Jeremiah 30:17

" He restores my soul. " Psalm 23

A time for everything!

SAYING ‘YES!’

Today is my 37^th birthday!

Just over 14 years ago I was given a choice….I said YES to a man’s question…to share life on an adventure thousands of miles away …I also said YES to a 6 year old little boy who became my beloved first son….conceived not from my womb but from within the depths of my heart. I said YES to a life that I could never have dreamed of or imagined….a road and journey with a lot of heartache, a lot of stretching but no regrets.

Decisions for comfort, self-preservation and convenience usually miss the real opportunity to grow, be changed and make a difference….It takes so much risk to allow ourselves to be stripped back and yet made whole by the road less traveled.

Last month we lost our beloved HOJ daughter to cancer….a girl with no shared DNA or bloodline,  but born out of our hearts. We were given the opportunity to choose her –We said YES to 14 kids on that day, 3 years ago – children who needed a home, a family, to belong, to be loved….

I didn’t count the cost or measure the bank account – I didn’t look at what we didn’t have or what we failed to be – For me there was no choice to make…..It had already been made……years before…..If I had counted the cost or anticipated the possible or actual loss and heartache ahead we would have missed out on so much….. 

A repeating YES pattern continues appearing. Emerging roads laid out before me – What will I choose?...
The answer always brings more change, and growth....often more difficulty too...but with it so much life......

Easy choices and attractive paths are like sugar coated candies –  sweet and enticing, but they swiftly dissolve as nothing for lack of substance…..

So today at 37, I renew that commitment  - for my life and this year to count.....for something....for someone...(most especially children) without reservation, without calculation, without measurement.....because now I am starting to understand even more....after staring death eyeball to eyeball...that life is a gift....
To be shared....not possessed...
To be honoured and treasured...and imparted to others....

One of the greatest gifts I have been blessed with is family – the greatest gift I can offer and share in return is family……

CHANGING SEASONS:

Today I also share part of my 'LOSS STORY' – because it marks the end of one journey and the start of a new season now unfolding.....

‘There is a time for everything and a season for every purpose under heaven – a time to be born…and a time to die…a time to mourn and a time to dance…. Ecclesiastes 3

Rayziel – her name means ’the secrets of God’ –  I held her in her last 2 days; fragile but fearless, a fading swollen  body but soul stirring. An unseen disease had gradually consumed and invaded ravenously from within, but could never penetrate her warrior spirit.

Restless and heaving breaths – pain rising and falling….massaging…comforting….sleepless, no comfortable position…lifting her, repositioning, encouraging, stroking…... 

Those dwindling hours and slim minutes ticking – Seconds of stillness followed by agitated discomfort. Weeping wounds, darkening bruises, and blisters bursting open, signalling the finish was approaching….

I will fight Ate’….she gasped between breaths, mid afternoon,  refusing to give in. 

 (*Ate pronounced ‘Ar-tay’ )

‘You are definitely my daughter!’ –I laughed, ‘ you just keep fighting and don’t want to give up!’  She smiled in agreement yet gasped out in pain – begging me to massage her heart again– skin to skin…..Mother to daughter….nothing with-held…no barriers….just us!

At one point she suddenly started praying - loud and clear...I joined her in one voice and together we prayed...not for healing, not for anyone...just thanking God for who he is....for his love, for his faithfulness, for his presence, for never leaving us....for holding us close....her heartfelt words tumbled out effortlessly....I felt us rise upwards together....then settle back down....my hair felt like fire tingling on my head, knowing that we were not alone....but held...right in that moment....known and cherished.

 I silently cried to ‘Jehovah Rapha’ – in acceptance of his will - if not for his miracle healing of her body then a plead for his shalom peace for her heart. Wholeness,, completeness….My hands trembling, my leaking eyes dripping on my aching arms as I rubbed her back.

‘She’s yours I wept…realising that her warmth was weakening beneath my touch…..and only hours were left together....

Her approaching release, HIS quiet, gentle sovereign answer to what was now my tearful accepting goodbye.

A bird in the trees outside called out, like a shofar horn.announcing, beckoning –not much further to go. I watched the green light through the leaves fading as the sun dropped lower in the sky….tears flowing, holding her heart in my hand, beating rapidly….life gradually sliding through my fingers like the funneling sand in the timer.

By evening, her brown glassy eyes had widened and with dry lips she unexpectedly and beseechingly rasped

‘Ate it’s time!!’…..

"Time?...." I could hardly speak the words that stuck jagged in my throat….(Time to go???? my own heart questioned?????)

‘I think God will get me now' she exclaimed…."Ate, call everyone…call them all – I want to tell them that I love them.’ she pleaded urgently....

Hurriedly I called first her siblings and my own children rushed in together too….as I gently explained that Rayziel felt that God was now calling her – it was time for her to go….

The goodbyes poured out as love was exchanged – she called each by name with her love….In perfect English she told me her instructions….to tell others she loved them, her Kuya and Ate (elder brother and sister) , her cousins, her teacher and classmates ‘Tell them I love them’……Kuya Ramil, (My husband)  ……‘You know how much Kuya Ramil loves you! ‘ I smiled….’so much’….she nodded, her mouth parched – He was out still, rushing back to bring her an oxygen tank from the hospital….’I promise I will tell them’ …..

A few more instructions to give her things to the girls….

 ‘ I will wait Ate’……she gasped for a few more light breaths….Her beloved house parent and 'sister of heart' was also rushing back – travelling on the bus to make it back to her side…
She had been waiting and fighting, holding on by each hour to be reunited again.....as I had urgently texted during the afternoon to check how close she was to making it home  in time.....but the battle was finishing faster…..

‘Ate, I cannot wait’…she whispered again after a few more laboured moments….exhausted and accepting…….’Please can you call her?'....I reached for my phone and dialed……

’Rayziel wants to tell you that she loves you…..its your time to tell her you love her too…..’ No more explanations...

Only goodbyes left…..

‘Ate – please can you pray…?' Her last request....

My heartbroken words stumbled out…

‘Father we are here together – loving you ….and loving Rayziel….we know you love her more….her heart is here laid open before you….pure  - nothing is hidden….…..she is yours – she belongs to you and we commit her to you….’

‘Ate I will go to heaven now!."

No resistance…..just simple assurance of faith and declaration of fact…

‘Ok darling….wait for me there hah??’…She nodded with a smile again…

.’Don’t be afraid….I added gently, recalling our previous conversations of her fears….of death….of her questions....the unknown….of losing....

‘I’m not afraid Ate…." She beamed knowingly…..pale but illuminated by

this secret of God: Perfect love casts out all fear….

‘I’m so proud of you darling– I love you so much….you have fought so bravely –you have run a good race, you have kept your faith – you have fought the good fight…never giving up…..now there is a crown for you…’ 

As her body and organs hemorrhaged, heaving a final farewell – her head tilted upwards. I stroked the tufts of her hair gently….’It's OK….It's OK….You are OK.’ I soothed as I wiped her bleeding lips softly.....you.go...my heart whispered.....

‘Well done good and faithful servant’….. I told her....
She gasped in response….’Well done’ …. I proudly declared again....

Well done good and faithful servant…I reassured her again…..another weaker breath…..

Well done good and faithful servant!'….Tenderly spoken.....My last stroke with my left hand, her last heartbeat in my right  ..... My last words....

With a final sigh she opened her heart and her mouth willingly releasing... and let go of her spirit, freeing the precious pearl jewel of her love back to her heavenly Father.

That last exhale unexpectedly catapulted my own soul upward….as a song erupted and shot out of some unknown deep place within me….the melody roaring upwards as a cradle beneath....carrying her home….echoing through the house..... declaring in complete surrender….

‘Faithful God…..Faithful God,

All sufficient one, I worship you.

Shalom, my peace

My strong deliverer,

I lift you up…..FAITHFUL GOD….’

The last song for my daughter to hear, a true worshiper…who continually gave a sacrifice of praise from such broken places….who refused to give up and loved her Father unwavering to the end….’ 

As her last flickering lights went out I closed her eyes completely…..

 In that song I reached a place I had never been to…..
My closest encounter with expansive holiness….vast...wide....
The edge of eternity….

I had walked her to the end ...and beyond…..our last journey together...xxx

The secrets of God….revealed.....

'Unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven....' Matthew 18.3

'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them! For the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.' Matthew 19: 14

CHALLENGE: To become more like children......!

Repairing With Gold

We have walked this journey now for 14 years and each path has been uncharted - unknown territory,  strewn with uncertainty and unpredictability.

Just when you think you are understanding how to navigate the terrain, an unexpected trail emerges...(so many 'uns'...uncharted, unknown, uncertain, unpredictable....!!???)

Right now we are stepping out a very painful walk - stepping without knowing if there is even another one ahead...?

Walking as a family with a very precious girl in her battle with cancer -  each step of fear, anxiety, grief, loss flip-sided with it's corresponding desperate grasp on hope, faith, trust, longing....

Walking alongside her closer to an impending end fills me with so many emotions -
I want to believe in miracles and hold out for them but the pungent taste of reality stings me to accept that just being here is a miracle alone.....Should I ask for anything more!?

Slowing down each wavering print in the path doesn't alter it's direction - 
The unavoidable....
There is no reverse gear anymore...there never was....for any of us!

I'm searching the horizon - straining to see the distance left ahead?
How much time? How far to go?
How close is terminal?
The questions that resound like an irregular rhythm drawing us closer...
This was not in my plan....off the chart I had unconsciously mapped and constructed....
A way I never anticipated to turn into.....
No return!

Yet faith remains unmoved - a heart that in its brokenness still trusts....
Eyes that pour with liquid prayers watching a child we love gradually fade....
Holding hands together......capturing smiles to keep them as treasures,
The richness of love immeasurable,
The power of gratitude,
The extent of sacrifice,

Somehow I am praying that these pieces will be 'Kintsukuroi' - REPAIRED WITH GOLD -  and someday I will look back and see this journey with eyes of understanding;
Although it was not my chosen direction, that it was made more beautiful for having been a broken road.