The Kidnap Wish

Those who observe from the comfortable side lines have called her wild, immature, and manipulative and indeed she can be all of those things - 

It’s easy to judge a book by its cover, or a person by a moment; the way they eat, or talk or laugh or don’t meet an expectation or unspoken standard we have raised unknowingly against them.

Her name means ‘sweet’……and beneath the first impression rough exterior there is a vast and unfathomable capacity within her to love, a receptive and willing loyal heart that she alone is still discovering. 

Those rugged outburst edges are just a protective crust around the vulnerable and precious - A rough diamond for the shaping….. I’m convinced that as she continues to learn to channel the furious passion that drives her she can and will be unstoppable…..

 Usually when you ask a 12 year old girl what they want to be or dream of they answer with ‘A Doctor’ or an ’Actress’ reply or with an indifferent shrug of the shoulders that conveys ‘I don’t know or want to think about it’ response……

BUT when asked the other afternoon what she wished for her life, the simple and matter of fact request that spilled out so openly still has me reeling and processing its true meaning:

“I want you to kidnap my siblings and bring them here to House of Joshua”

(Translated into English)

Back ‘home’ on the street there are others……just like her, scavenging in garbage cans for scraps, avoiding clashes with intoxicated adults or drug high gang members, sleeping on the hard cement slabs in shop doorways, begging, stealing, surviving…….children who have seen and experienced things I will never comprehend. That was her daily life just 8 months ago –neglected, shirtless, alone, hungry and afraid.

And now her first Christmas is just around the corner among the many firsts she has experienced over the past few months. How easy it is to take for granted a bed with a pillow, or a shirt, own a towel, underwear or a toothbrush…..the chance to learn to read and go to school, eat 3 times a day, sleep in safety, have a birthday (with a cake)….

Of course, I’m not going to kidnap anyone! (Just in case you are worrying!) –

 BUT I am honestly captured by the simple realisation that there has been unmeasured worth to what has honestly been for us a weary and relentless year….

The doubts, confusion, tears and failings of trying to lead this family have filled barrels - but it has meant more than I really comprehended.

I found this note on my desk the other day from another of our adopted children....

They are just small little things.....but more than enough for me.....

This may have been a challenging year....however love is not wasted……and even if it were I would gladly squander it on these ones......NO REGRETS!

Letter to Dong

It is Lifenet Children's Foundation's 6th anniversary!

Six whole years since we were formally certified as a legitimate and registered charity......It wasn't really the start of the journey but it marks one of the chapter's opening paragraphs......

I wrote this letter back in 2009 to the first boy who captured my heart......The SEED that keeps on growing.......( The Lost Coin Project )

Letter to Dong

A Disabled, Abandoned Boy

Cagayan de Oro City, Philippines

I remember the first time you smiled – a genuine smile that lit up your face. Weeks of visiting you on your wooden frame bed, the stench of urine and waste on the dirt floor and wondering if you even knew I was there as you sat vacantly not wanting to move or interact. But at last we had at last really connected - Eye to eye – heart to heart. In the absence of language so much was communicated and you had for short moment something to smile about. Maybe it was the bubbles I had blown for you because you reached out your finger to pop them and looked at me with intrigue….

You studied the plastic shapes, rotating them in your hand and even tried to stack them. If I dropped one on purpose you reached down to retrieve it…..You pointed excitedly at the picture book, the basketball and the bike. What kind of life had you known before your abandonment? Your family? Your memories? What was your real name? So much I longed to know and understand.

They said it was a miracle when you got out of your wheelchair and walked with me. It wasn’t a miracle at all – you had the ability but had been left too long. You picked up your feet so deliberately and the other boys laughed as you marched. I wondered what else you could do if given the opportunity?

 There was so much life- a beautiful soul in a neglected body, caked in dirt, ingrained into your skin, always a running nose and deep echoing cough that never seemed to go away– a beautiful life hidden in the corner, forgotten and unappreciated….

I kissed you on your cheek last Christmas and promised we would have a place for you one day where you could know love; a home, a place to belong, to grow and be more than what you had been so long limited to. I dreamed it as a place for you. I drew a room for you downstairs in the plans and imagined you there on a proper bed, with a pillow and blanket, clean, with your book, laughing…..That dream was too late in coming for you…I’m so sorry it has taken so long….

You will never know how much your life inspired me – to reach out beyond myself, to believe that it is possible to make a difference. Knowing you and loving you, was the seed. May the tears that stream down be as liquid prayers to water it….and may it grow, not as a memorial but as a promise that you and countless other children like you deserve so much more….

Be loved dear one in the arms of your Father– who saw you and knew you and holds you forever.

A precious treasure in my heart always,

Loving you too,

Tita Mary

Lost Coins: Finding The One!

Its more than 6 months since I last wrote about this journey:

The dream has been unfolding and growing steadily - A home now full of children aged 7-16 years - Kids who are abandoned, orphaned, neglected.....This is what it feels like I was made for.....Yet so often I'm still not satisfied....I feel like and identify with the woman who lost 1 coin - always searching and considering how to find it - My eyes are fixed on the many I have in one hand but with my heart turned outward focused on what is lost.....and the hand that is empty.

And so has begun 'The Lost Coin Project'  which is becoming a pursuit for answers and action- It is initiated and fueled by my sighting of a lone street boy as we drove home the other week - He was yanking on the sleeve of a security guard outside a bank in the city centre. The guard with his rifle gun slung across his chest, bullets in his belt,  shrugged him away in dismissal and obvious annoyance.....I wondered what the child was asking? He couldn't have been more than 7 years old...just a couple years older than our own daughter.....Why was he there alone and so late? Was he hungry? Was he just bored and trying to irritate the uniformed man, unfortunate to have to stay awake through a late night duty?

A few seconds later and he was out of view....We had already moved into another city district - It was pouring with rain and we needed to get home.....I later realised and confessed to my own children the next morning that we should have gone back.....I should have responded - I was just like every other person out late that evening - heading on with my own business.....My eyes saw but I blinked and it was gone ... I didn't take the opportunity ........(and I work with street children?.....really??????)

The 'Good Samaritan' was the only one who stopped and took action.....Why do we so often pass by?.....Too busy with our own agendas? Too inconvenient? Too costly? Too tired? Too distracted?....Next time I will (we promise ourselves)......So many excuses for inaction. ....Or are we just becoming so accustomed to switching channels with the remote of our heart as we are numb and deadened to feel anything anymore?

My own unanswered questions and evaluation of myself are resulting in an exploration to discover the value of the 'Lost Coins' around us - The ones that most walk by without seeing as they have rolled into the gutter and few venture in the dirt to find them.....They aren't worth very much - They are not worth replicating or forging as no-one is interested in 'small change' - The big bucks matter - The large currency notes - We don't drop those so easily -  but the few coins that get lost along the way?? Well they aren't really worth the time and effort for.....

For me that holds a hard reality - Coins that we have actually held in our hands but lost -  those children who somehow slipped through the net or were sucked away.....Coins that really count!.....Twelve have been lost in the past 2 years as runaways from House of Joshua.....But.so many more have rolled away over these past 11 years of street children ministry.....Children that have died from treatable sicknesses, ones that have been murdered, ones that are now in jail, ones that have mysteriously gone missing, ones that are addicts, ones that now work in the garbage and dirt scavenging for survival.........

Far more than a handful of just loose change!

In the past 2 days two runaway boys have come back...One is now back sleeping in a bed as we start again with his restoration process - coming back off the solvent drugs, filling his mind with life and truth in exchange for the stealing and manipulation he returned to.....It feels like we are back to square one (AGAIN) - the other we will meet with on Weds as he and 2 others are now requesting to return home (again)

Honestly - I'm not sure they are actually ready to come back to House of Joshua - the transition is so challenging - The autopilot response to run when confronted with anything that triggers their fragile and temperamental 'flight' button - Their legs run and move before the heart and head catch up......and then its too late....

SO....what do we do now?......It seems like we need to change some things to help them move forward - the repetition of two steps forward and one back means we haven't moved anywhere with some of them....My Dad has always said 'If you change nothing, nothing changes'.....

But I don't know what change should look like if it is to be lasting among such dented hearts? Should we re-consider a Drop In Outreach Centre again?......How do we KEEP the little coins that we do find?......those that would be lost in the open sewage drain or stomped on by passing unaware, unresponsive feet.....

We need another door to reach these kids - They are vulnerable and slow to trust - relationships take time to build (crack, tumble, fall and rebuild again) They long for family but its the very thing that triggers so much pain...I'm searching for answers.....and in the meantime some of these coins get lost and then turn up (again and again).......They may be more dirty and tainted....but their value hasn't changed.....Small in a hand but worth more than we could dare to count.

"Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did"  1 John 2:6

(PLEASE see our family blog that we just started : : http://lostcoinproject.blogspot.com/ as we challenge ourselves and others to take action and respond practically to find the lost coins around us and show their value.....Maybe you should consider joining us and make a difference yourself?!)

Beyond The Pain Barrier

I haven’t written for some time – not because I have nothing to share but the opportunity to consolidate the process into understandable paragraphs is limited to my physical and mental ability to catch my breath and focus…..Those of us in this journey have likened it to a roller coaster, a marathon……or a soap opera……

After a year and a half of investing in this restoration process we are right now seemingly in our ‘lowest’ and most challenging season with these kids......and it is in this place I am discovering the most peace.

With all the progress these children have made over this time, some are still choosing and plotting their runaway back to the street which proceeds a return to solvent abuse, promiscuous behaviour to pay for addictions and survival mentality – Even those who have been most settled and ‘successful’ in carving for themselves a new life with us at House of Joshua have unexpectedly U-turned back around. 

Everyone wants to understand and know ‘why’?????……

Why return to the filth, danger, minimal survival?.....Even the children themselves can’t answer those questions. But they have ‘tried’ family……and for them right now it still isn't enough…..

The summer is relentlessly fierce this year – the heat imprisons us all inside – there is boredom and restlessness…….. (not helped by a broken TV and power cuts! J) The street enticingly and magnetically offers some kind of alternative escape and ‘freedom’ but they soon rediscover it is a deceptive mirage, the grass isn't greener and they are no happier back on the other side……

They return again.......they run again.......like boomerangs.....

Equally some of our staff are emotionally drained and stretched out with this extended painful and difficult road of loving…… and losing;.....the battles, the tears, the tantrums, the fights, the sleepless nights, the prayers, the investment and expectation for some small sign of compensation for their sacrifice …….After giving everything and now facing another defeat they are understandably empty and ready to leave too......

Checkmate!

I have of course myself questioned much as we try to lead this ministry and hold the threads together. Is this failure?.......We have done all. Why is it not enough?.....The price of obedience is costly. Even the tears and disappointment of my own children trying to understand why their friends have gone (again) gashes my heart. They are not just faces, or numbers, statistics to post -they are family....and that is why it hurts us all.

 In my times of despair and discouragement however I am uncovering a secret treasure in the darkness…..The greatest success is being exposed……………

Whatever these kids do, wherever they go, whatever is ‘wasted’ in whatever degree accomplishment is measured against us, I have finally fathomed my heart’s greatest triumph….

I STILL LOVE!

It doesn't make sense, it is raw, inflamed and sometimes bleeding freely…..but it hasn't stopped flowing….Whatever tries to weaken, disable, choke or submerge it’s resolve, I continually find that it pops up again, like a cork, buoyant and resistant. 

It has remained absolute, unreserved, undeserved and unrewarded…..it is messy and unrestrained, often discarded and futile but I am not able to prevent it resurfacing.

We may be judged as foolish, unproductive, or fruitless, or mocked for squandering our lives among these ones…..I will humbly accept those conclusions and criticisms…..A just verdict for what seems like a lost cause.

But whether you believe and accept it or not - Love IS an absolute!

YES – it is absurd, irrational, illogical and unreasonable but that is why it always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres – It is tough - and it has to be - That is why it never fails.....

I don't have the answers - the experts have strategies and suggestions.....but they are useless and don't work.....BUT this is the only thing I do have to give......and if it doesn't work and breakthrough there isn't anything left that will.

‘Now these three remain – faith, hope and love….but the greatest of these is love’ (HIS....not mine!)

1 Corinthians 13:13

Two Sparrows For a Penny

I wrote back in October ‘Wanting to be Wanted’ of ‘P’ a young, mischievous boy who returned to the home and care of his grandmother. I was so heavy hearted and worried about this little boy – his departure from HOJ felt so wrong and despite my longing to ‘keep him’ I knew that  he couldn’t be persuaded to stay……..

He arrived back at our gate just before Christmas – dirty, ragged again, wounds on his body and a giant black bruise on his chin. The day that he left I was right to worry……
Once back at his Grandmothers house, his father who impatiently waited to leave my office, apparently beat him black and blue continually, releasing his monstrous rage upon a small little frame who wanted nothing more than to belong.

My instincts (and fears) had been right; The next day ‘P’ was back on the street – a  runaway from a childish fantasy now in splintered pieces……..

Another street boy brought him back to HOJ as he didn’t know the way back ‘home’……..but now he has found it!

Another entry ‘Open Eyed’ shared just part of the story of our unplanned involvement with a street family who we ended up helping to build a house in an effort to get them off the streets….a small step forward in a long restoration process.

A rebuilt shelter doesn't make a home and this poor family have a difficult and tumultuous history……

I suppose many would weigh up the ‘pro’s and cons’ before responding and measure the value of it all –Is it worth the time, effort or money????……Perhaps we should have too? There is definitely wisdom in that but I also think the measure of real sacrifice doesn't wait to count the cost......or expect an unrealistic ‘and they all lived happily ever after’ end to the story….(Perhaps there might be one…….one day?)........but it’s a long way off from today’s reality.

After one particular follow up visit with this family, one of our staff members had confessed that he had wanted to steal the baby away from his drunken mother and momentarily considered how to smuggle the little boy in his backpack......

Any regrets?......perhaps?.......Its easier to walk on by than to be involved.

Another of their children 'D' was found and later rescued by our staff last week off the street – dirty and wet with a streaming cold after days and nights in the rains of Typhoon Agaton……ALONE!

He recounts that his parents had a fight and his mother returned to the streets (with the children)……

And his premature baby brother, the catalyst for stirring a crisis response to try to help this family?????

He is no more!

Regretful now?......Absolutely!

My heart dropped down through to my soles on hearing this news……I wanted to vomit, shout out in anger and cry all at once…… right there on the spot.......I myself had even previously wondered about offering to care for this tiny bundle of humanity clinging to life against the odds……I had often worried about him too after the various family visits where the mother was intoxicated and slowly poisoning him one feed at a time......'Breast is NOT best' here!!!!! - I had asked questions - We had tried to get them other help...... and tried to measure what was the 'right thing to do?' I was willing to take him……..I had prayed......

Now he has been taken already by hands much bigger than mine...!!

Waiting.....and counting the cost is wise..... but it can also mean yet another one falls to the ground and is lost!

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care." Matthew 10:29

Now we have two little sparrows back.......a second chance for them.....and for us!