The Rubble of Ground Zero

I have not really been able to put into words the sunken heart heaviness of witnessing the terror, suffering and devastation after Super Typhoon Haiyan ravaged through the centre of this country. Despite being miles away from the devastation zone it has impacted everyone across the nation.

 Broken Homes

I talked with a dear friend just last night who survived the onslaught in Tacloban city, now a wasteland of destruction and debris - lives destroyed. Several weeks later, the rawness of survival, the fear and reality of facing death eye to eye are so difficult for her to process and comprehend - in her words 'terrifying and life changing'!

We were able to send in a first Compassion In Action (CIA) Crisis Response Team last week who traveled 20 hours by road from Cagayan de Oro to distribute relief aid, comfort and support to 1000 families in San Jose, Ormoc City - just a tiny pinch in a vast dense ocean of need and desperation. We are now preparing for the 2nd outreach team to leave on Dec 9th. We are physically so far away but are compelled to pull together our resources and try to share love as a verb.....with action.....as much as we can with what we have.

 Packing Relief Goods

We have worked with street children and poverty stricken families for more than 10 years and were part of the response to the terrible flash flooding that swept away parts of our city 2 years ago, but to see whole regions now struck homeless, broken and dependent on outside help for their very basic survival is harrowing and overwhelming. A photo or video cannot really capture the empty desolation - You can't really describe the heavy spirit of death and depression lurking in every direction. To smell and touch and live with it is more than a camera shot can record. 

Just 2 walls left of a local church

The recovery and restoration process goes deep beyond the practical rebuilding of homes and livelihoods - How to rebuild the ruins of broken and traumatised hearts?.....The father who left his family in an evacuation center but returned to look for their lost bodies.....the mother who is still searching the scattered rubble for 3 of her missing children that were swept from her arms....the other 3 are already buried in a mass grave.

Relief Aid Distribution

As helpless as I feel at the enormity of the suffering and the numerous times I am reduced to tears, my heart's response can only be to stretch out in prayer: Money will not save the heart, food can feed a body, a roof can cover a home but truly only God can restore the ruins of a soul.

"Arise, cry aloud in the night At the beginning of the night watches; Pour out your heart like water Before the presence of the Lord ; Lift up your hands to Him For the life of your little ones Who are faint because of hunger At the head of every street." Lamentations 2:19

 Survivors Starting Life Again......

Wanting To Be Wanted

I arrived at HOJ yesterday to find a father and a grandmother sitting in my office. The located family of 'P' a dirty, hungry ragged boy that we rescued off the street for temporary shelter just 5 weeks ago.

His parents are separated and neither wants to take responsibility for him now that they have their 'OWN' lives, different partners and new families........He had been living with his Grandmother who found him too much to handle on her own as he is uncontrollable and kept running away preferring to hang out with the other street children who are more of a family to him. In just a few weeks with us it has been clear that he has seen and experienced much more than any 11 year old should see, know or be part of.......

His own drawings of his family are of coffins. He tells everyone his parents are dead......His teacher was shocked at his matter of fact statements when he started school.....He even asked her blankly if she would adopt him.

They are not dead physically but it is a true picture of his heart. Dead, gone, nothing left for him......

He has been restless at HOJ - longing to 'go home'.....but to what?

I sat there watching him, his father and his grandmother - 3 people related but disconnected, distant and silent.....The father seemed annoyed at the prospect of having to take responsibility for his son; a nuisance, interruption and embarrassment to his life and the things that he wants to do......It's the mothers fault he defends himself washing his hands of any part in P's life - awkward and uncomfortable at sitting next to him.We know personally many people who are longing for a child but he wishes he wasn't a father......
He really isn't a father....just a person unfortunately related by DNA - a burdensome mistake that he can't erase......He looks at the clock.....time ticking by......he needs to go to work.......

The Grandmother with softer compassion wants to protect and care for him but he is a stubborn difficult boy, attention seeking, impulsive, uncooperative, defiant,  but you can hardly expect anything else when he is so rejected, unwanted, lost. Despite his naughtiness, outbursts and cheekiness there is a sweetness to him - a tender little heart ......in there....still beating.....still longing......a light still flickering......

.....She prefers him to stay with us acknowledging honestly and humbly her limitations to meet his needs....

She tried to persuade him to stay, promised to visit him......you could see her anxious eyes praying for him to change his mind .......His silence and downward eyes......wanting to be wanted.....

He is just desperate to belong to someone.......anyone.....

She relented and agreed to take him 'home'....

The three left together but the 'reunion' has left my heart heavy - for I know he will be back on the street today......exposed once again to those who were taking advantage of him......using him for their own pleasures and gain......back to the 'family' that feels familiar.....

'Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty'
Mother Teresa

The Pursuit of Happiness?

This journey with our kids at HOJ is so often up and down - A home full of volatile boys living with mirrors of themselves in every room. Birds of a feather flock together - When one is angry with life and resistant to correction they gather and try to plot a secret run away plan to escape from what they are actually yearning for.....

 - Stability - Love that is not rocked, shaken...that withstands the testing.....and remains......no matter who they are, what they have done, what they do, where they go......or run to.....

Keeping ourselves and our staff from taking these escape attempts personally is sometimes a challenge. We are all working so hard, investing our hearts and often tears into children with l little thanks or appreciation rewards for our efforts. It can be disheartening if we are just clinging to the small breakthroughs and progress. Another runaway plan or attempt is a kick in the shin that bruises and buckles our knees for a moment. It could be easy just to shrug our shoulders and dismiss our hearts to not really care - It's more comfortable to distance ourselves and disconnect. A simple protective measure to prevent us from the hurt and fear of failure. How to respond? Throw in the towel -choose something else or someone else that gives more satisfaction.....meets OUR needs???

Unconditional love takes much more from the soul - it doesn't measure the cost, the outcome, the benefits, the obstacles or results......it continues, grows, deepens. How often we love with hidden expectations that measure and weigh.....

Many count the cost and walk away .....in pursuit of SELF.....

It is too high, requires too much of ourselves, our time, our money, our effort, our tears, our dreams, our pride, our position, our hopes, our prayers, our plans......Too many sacrifices.......and if we do decide to give it all......with nothing in return?????

To choose to stay, to throw away the measuring stick and to love anyway despite all that we see, feel and experience is the greatest adventure which is counted as never failing........

.....is real pursuit of HIM and his heart......

Love ' covers all, believes all, expects all, endures all. Love never fails......and now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love' 1 Corinthians 13

Open Eyed

I am challenged and inspired by my husband’s heart for the poor…….He and some of our staff went out into the city centre on Wednesday night looking for street children. They met two street families – one with a very sick girl with diarrhea sleeping with her little sister curled up beside her on s soiled cardboard box – a dirty, smelly makeshift bed upon the hard concrete ground. Spoiled rotten rice was their meal for the evening……while others enjoyed plates of hot food in nearby restaurants or thoughtlessly walked on by past their suffering .

Food, medicine, rehydration drinks, prayer – small offerings to share with a family with nothing but each other..

Just a block away, another family with 5 children were also sleeping in a shop doorway squeezed together.A poor shelter from the relentless downpours of the rainy season. 

Beneath the piles of clothes, hardly noticeable was a tiny 3 week old premature baby boy bundled up asleep. 

The other children were scattered around the market place – mingling among the night vendors, ladies on the corners waiting for customers, glue sniffers, addicts, market stalls, dealers, unaware of the dangers  and enticing influences surrounding their play area.

The father, slightly drunk, shared how they were forced to abandon their broken house on the other side of the city after the birth of their 5th little one as it is unlivable. He is a fisherman, but without a boat. No income, no food, a broken home and the weighty responsibility of survival. Despondent, defeated, losing hope…..a bottle provides a short escape from misery.

One father of 5 children, familiar with the vulnerabilities and difficulties of premature infants meets face to face with another. How to respond? How to reach out and help?

An evening street outreach quickly developed into an earnest, urgent, heartfelt response not only for 5 street children but for a whole family to remain intact and not disintegrate in poverty and despair.

One father’s simple offer?……To repair a broken home.

The following day they went with the family to their ‘house’. It was indeed unlivable – hardly a home or even a shelter - just a falling shack without a roof, walls or much of a floor –leaning at an angle and ready to collapse in the next rainfall - beyond repair.

Just one push and the rickety shack folded over, a pile of dilapidated jumble……

SO with sweat, splinters, and a few bruises between them, our staff lovingly and determinedly decided to give up their free time and spent the following 2 days building a NEW HOME.

A simple ‘Bahay Kubo’ native style house. Nothing fancy but somewhere to call ‘home’. It removes a whole family off the streets back close to the support of their extended family nearby and is a start in rebuilding their life TOGETHER.

FOLLOW UP

On Thursday our staff returned with more groceries, clothing, toys and basic household items and went in search with the father to find and buy him a boat.

There is a famous quote ‘Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day….teach a man to fish and you feed him (and his family) for a lifetime.’

There are many things that we are unable to change – and of course we can’t help everyone….but if we are ready to be available we can help start change that can last a lifetime.

THE DREAM CONTINUES

Long before we had the privilege of meeting this family we had talked often about the challenges of reaching out to street children – Not all of them are abandoned – many have families but poverty gives few choices or opportunities for a life beyond survival. It is critical that we respond to the roots of the problem and engage directly with families – These children need their parents but until the cycle is broken it continues with 2^nd and 3^rd generations of street children living desperate existences.

We dream for and are praying for some land where we can build more homes and work together with local communities to be able to offer street families the opportunity and support to help turn their lives and the futures of their children around. It is more than ‘social action’ or 'handouts' but taking the responsibility to see with open eyes and no longer be ‘passersby’ anymore…..

" Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations,
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.' Isaiah 58:12

Dreams don’t cost anything…….but making them active will be a great sacrifice…..

'All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake up in the day to find it was vanity, but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men (or women), for they may act their dreams with open eyes to make it possible.' T.E Lawrence (my edit about women :-) !!)

Change starts with us…..it has started here…..!

Recycling with a Difference

JV was one of our first boys to arrive at HOJ .....a boy from a broken home, disrupted life, with hurt, disappointment, anger, resentment......resistant to change, reluctant to trust......after 3 weeks with us he ran away.....

 We had all been so upset. Our staff spent several weeks looking for him on the streets....but he was nowhere to be found. We searched the street children's hangouts, checked under bridges, road crossings, squatter areas.....but no sign of him anywhere.

Now almost half a year later he was rescued by a visiting international mission team who were working daily at the city garbage dump. There he was, just 10 minutes drive from us, sleeping each night out under a tree, surviving alone, dirty, skinny and ragged.....(again)....A big circular journey that took him around the region and finally bought him back home.

We pass the garbage dump almost daily - a community living and working from salvaging and sorting through the city's waste. Dirty work. Small profits.

Perhaps we have a similar job? - sifting through the rubbish to rescue and salvage young discarded lives. Dirty, messy work.....Small rewards.....

But as my husband says 'If we don't - who will?'.....

There are few who will really get their hearts and hands dirty - get in the muck, and STAY THERE....Some days I would prefer a 'cleaner, easier' job without so much heart ache, disappointment, tears, frustration....something with more obvious 'fruit from the labour'.....
Its easier and more convenient to leave the garbage sorting for someone else ....and forget what has been thrown away.

RECYCLE - is a verb....an action......Its more than just converting waste into something reusable.....its a process of change - to be made ready for something else.....looking with new eyes beyond the raw material and seeing possibilities.....I think that is what makes the difference!

Lost

My heart seems so often to be more interested in what is lost than what has been found.....looking outward.....looking ahead.....looking beyond wondering about another child I haven't met yet....still to be rescued.....

Maybe I'm like the woman with 10 coins, who searches the house for just one misplaced penny.....worthless to most, not worth the effort but if I can't find something that is missing I can't rest until I've upturned everything in its pursuit. If it still is not found I'm unsettled and frustrated, longing for its retrieval....

This house of boys has upturned so much - What was once important pales, and what is now important really matters.Priorities exist but they are now in a different order - with more meaning and relevance.

What you value determines what you do with yourself, your time, your money, your effort.....and so it is now with these children - My life may feel upside down and my heart inside out.....but what was once lost in me has truly been found and made more significant in the searching.....

Mining for Treasure

'J' is a strong boy, aggressive and difficult to know. Trust shattered by parental choices made beyond his control yet now a bully, resistant and dominant.

 A short look into his angry eyes reveals a fragment of the hurt little boy inside that he would rather hide and forget. Numbness is easier than pain. Forced bravery a distracting disguise.

I find myself wondering how to teach these children how to start to forgive? The crimes against their wounded hearts are more than most could count in a lifetime and the thick crusty layers of anger, hatred and resentment do not fall away easily. For 'J' they have formed a strong shell that shields his brokenness but prevents real relationship.

Its a messy business - digging further, deeper, past the black in search of something purer at the core. Its there! We have seen glimmers - sometimes a flash of light, a moment shimmer when the guard is down and a flicker of life darts through....somewhere buried in the depths, concealed beneath the ruins, the riches of who they really are lies....waiting for discovery. The image of their maker - raw and original in design - treasure immeasurable.

Fraudulent Freedom

HOJ boys playing freely in Dahilayan
A joy to watch children being children!

'Why do they run?'

I can't recount how many times I have been asked this question or of the frequency it reoccurs in my own head as we contend with this complex process of trying to understand these children.

BUT I actually think the answer is quite simple....extending beyond the enticement of the street and its deceptive lure of 'freedom' .....Truly there is nothing 'free' about life on the streets.

 It is a prison of poverty, addiction, and danger and yet has a powerful magnetic pull like a bait persuading their distorted perception that it offers something 'more'......a fake mirage.

The escape effort is a run from themselves.....Others choose food, or alcohol, work, TV, holidays, computer games, drugs, facebook, whatever....to loosen the stress, relieve the pain and distract from the real issues. We each select an alternative release as a flight elope - Our momentary affairs from reality that temporarily offer us some relief and divert from having to take responsibility.

To select 'fight' instead of 'flight' requires courage to face the truth of failures and weaknesses. We have to break the crooked illusion that running away is a deliverance. Until we all confront our tendency to seek artificial freedom we remain in jails of our own construction; disconnected from truth and separated from the opportunity of discovering who we really are. 

To choose REAL freedom requires sacrifice, a price too high for many to unlock what really lies beneath the surface. The preference for comfort and familiarity is more tempting than the battle to overcome ourselves. 

The street draws all of us......but the choice is ours.....to wrestle or to run?......and our selection determines everything.

Milestone Markers

I vividly recall the day our own twins began school - the pride, the nervousness, fighting back the tears that my little ones had really reached another milestone.....

AND NOW.....the cycle repeats but this time for 9 precious other boys starting a whole new chapter of their lives as they join thousands of children across the country returning to school.

It is incredible to me that 6 months ago this opportunity wasn't even a hope for many of our boys as they spent their endless days trapped behind jail walls, punished so desperately for the crime of a lack of family to care. A cruel sentence for existence - one that stole their hope and choked their dream for anything beyond another day.

 Some of our boys have never been to school at all. Most could not recognize the letters in their own names let alone read or write when they arrived, BUT in such a short time they have learned and absorbed so hungrily - longing to shake off the shadows to prove to the world and themselves that they are more than what was believed.

 Truly tomorrow is a significant day for all of us - It marks the tenacity of our staff who have so generously poured out their hearts, time, effort (and tears) into these young lives in just a few months AND it cements actual tangible, breathable, measurable evidence to these kids that they indeed have a right to hope, aim, achieve and dream....that they have a destiny and purpose.....that extends beyond school, college, careers....to discover who they really are.....

So with bags, pencils, lunch boxes and water bottles ready we all begin another stage of growth and change....ready, expectant, excited, nervous....

Big journeys start with small steps....each one forward moves us closer......

Prodigal Sons

16 years ago I heard a speaker say that 'Compassion is Love in Action' - That phrase has never left me and at times has driven me forward when I have not known how else to make a difference with broken children.

Yesterday morning JC, one of our boys who ran away 10 days ago, returned home. Dirty, disheveled hair, raspy voice, exhausted, head lowered, ashamed to look in our eyes. All I could do was to hold him so tightly and he clung so closely. I could have held him all day. A week of worry, fear, frustration, anger, desperate cries, desperate prayers melted into one wordless gesture that expressed everything my heart had to say.

 I've read, heard, watched and even personally performed a dance interpretation of the story of the prodigal son but this week it has had a whole new raw reality depth. What it means to long for and look for your lost child - no matter what they have said or done, to yearn for their return, for the filling of the hole....the waiting and watching..... Forgiveness and compassion are verbs that require sacrifice....I'm learning too they are probably the two most powerful core actions of parenting and the only response we can have that truly demonstrates the Father. Parenting really is HEART work!

Facing The Giants

Tuesday May 14th 2013
At midnight last night two of our House of Joshua boys hastily stuffed their things into their new school bags, tried to persuade other children to join them, broke the kitchen lock and ran away taking with them other's belongings and house items. They are not the first ones to run......and most likely will not be the last......

 It is obviously incredibly disappointing, discouraging, and frustrating as we try to invest ourselves in these broken lives. The restoration process is complicated and volatile as past pain, memories and damage litters the journey of healing. Young raw and vulnerable hearts spew up explosive residue in defensive mechanisms and rebuilding trust and relationship is a fragile venture.....It takes much time, energy and HEART work for small steps forward. Working to build a family out of so many broken pieces requires much grace and miracles for change.

 As we try once again to adjust our hearts to the disappointment and loss I am mindful that we all have two choices as to how we respond to our Father's love - It is often easier to retract like an anemone at a single touch - the rawness of our brokenness is sensitive and afraid....But learning to trust HIS LOVE is the only way out of the pain towards wholeness.....We often want quick fix answers or remedies but we understand that God is not interested in plasters or short term bandages for the wounds....He is Jehovah Rophe - The God who heals - The ONLY restorer whose touch can bring lasting transformation.

 'And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.' Romans 5: 5

Charting My Heart.....

Many people over the years have said I should write a book but the thought is overwhelming and the journey so lengthy, I admittedly have no idea where to begin. In truth there are half started diaries and notes scribbled along the way in attempted efforts to try and record some of the stories and miracles that mark the rough road we have been trekking.

 I have resisted from committing myself to a blog wary of how raw this journey is and the vulnerability it takes to actually read or share the true contents of each step..... Despite my resistance to myself I am now at a point where there are so many lessons and discoveries that if I fail to somehow log them they will be lost. More than anything I want my own children and those that are entrusted to us (for however long) to have the opportunity to understand.....and have the courage to forge ahead their own paths with faith. SO....Welcome to my uncharted heart - Places in myself that I didn't know existed and territory yet to be discovered!