One reason for refraining from public disclosure is the unpredictability of loss. Although my heart was somewhat prepared for the inevitable, I had not anticipated the depth and extent of the impact on my own children or how difficult the road of heart recovery would be.
Their unexpected presence in the moment of last breaths, witnessing life itself dissolve before innocent eyes was both powerfully significant yet entangling and I have honestly struggled to help them unpack their own experience and fears transparently alongside the vulnerability of my own.
Walking them through deep, crushed questions, endless inner interrogations of their own beliefs and reconciling their fledgling hearts and faith with the ragged emotions that swoop down without warning unravelled me to my core.
Repeated replays of the last days and hours of life countless times have been both helpful and hurtful.... remembering and cherishing....but wanting to forget.....yet afraid that memories will discolour and fade with the time slipping by.
I have subsequently wrestled unworthiness with a frantic soul grapple for meaning in the tragedy of beautiful potential erased. Sleepless confessions in long nights of self analysis recalling my personal failures; Insomnia.....prayer.....tears.... weighing the internal investigation against my wasted hours of meaningless self sufficiency.
An urgent need for purpose among the questions that remain unanswered but heard in the dark silence eventually releases a humble admission of the insignificance of so many fleeting moments; just tiny grains of sand among infinite unknowns and a quiet longing for something more.
While dear friends and family around me also struggle with their own losses and battles, instead of trying to fix the unfixable I am at last OK to surrender the shards that may never fit together. I have abandoned the rescue effort and acknowledged it as futility, not as a victim but an intentional decision to grow steadfastly in and from the things that I cannot change and still choose love without measure......again!
This daily acceptance of ways beyond my own allows my soul to make peace with the pieces and let grace be enough for each moment. Growth is a choice and I still say YES to life.....whatever it holds......unreservedly......
" For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds. " Jeremiah 30:17
" He restores my soul. " Psalm 23