Wanting To Be Wanted

I arrived at HOJ yesterday to find a father and a grandmother sitting in my office. The located family of 'P' a dirty, hungry ragged boy that we rescued off the street for temporary shelter just 5 weeks ago.

His parents are separated and neither wants to take responsibility for him now that they have their 'OWN' lives, different partners and new families........He had been living with his Grandmother who found him too much to handle on her own as he is uncontrollable and kept running away preferring to hang out with the other street children who are more of a family to him. In just a few weeks with us it has been clear that he has seen and experienced much more than any 11 year old should see, know or be part of.......

His own drawings of his family are of coffins. He tells everyone his parents are dead......His teacher was shocked at his matter of fact statements when he started school.....He even asked her blankly if she would adopt him.

They are not dead physically but it is a true picture of his heart. Dead, gone, nothing left for him......

He has been restless at HOJ - longing to 'go home'.....but to what?

I sat there watching him, his father and his grandmother - 3 people related but disconnected, distant and silent.....The father seemed annoyed at the prospect of having to take responsibility for his son; a nuisance, interruption and embarrassment to his life and the things that he wants to do......It's the mothers fault he defends himself washing his hands of any part in P's life - awkward and uncomfortable at sitting next to him.We know personally many people who are longing for a child but he wishes he wasn't a father......
He really isn't a father....just a person unfortunately related by DNA - a burdensome mistake that he can't erase......He looks at the clock.....time ticking by......he needs to go to work.......

The Grandmother with softer compassion wants to protect and care for him but he is a stubborn difficult boy, attention seeking, impulsive, uncooperative, defiant,  but you can hardly expect anything else when he is so rejected, unwanted, lost. Despite his naughtiness, outbursts and cheekiness there is a sweetness to him - a tender little heart ......in there....still beating.....still longing......a light still flickering......

.....She prefers him to stay with us acknowledging honestly and humbly her limitations to meet his needs....

She tried to persuade him to stay, promised to visit him......you could see her anxious eyes praying for him to change his mind .......His silence and downward eyes......wanting to be wanted.....

He is just desperate to belong to someone.......anyone.....

She relented and agreed to take him 'home'....

The three left together but the 'reunion' has left my heart heavy - for I know he will be back on the street today......exposed once again to those who were taking advantage of him......using him for their own pleasures and gain......back to the 'family' that feels familiar.....

'Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty'
Mother Teresa

The Pursuit of Happiness?

This journey with our kids at HOJ is so often up and down - A home full of volatile boys living with mirrors of themselves in every room. Birds of a feather flock together - When one is angry with life and resistant to correction they gather and try to plot a secret run away plan to escape from what they are actually yearning for.....

 - Stability - Love that is not rocked, shaken...that withstands the testing.....and remains......no matter who they are, what they have done, what they do, where they go......or run to.....

Keeping ourselves and our staff from taking these escape attempts personally is sometimes a challenge. We are all working so hard, investing our hearts and often tears into children with l little thanks or appreciation rewards for our efforts. It can be disheartening if we are just clinging to the small breakthroughs and progress. Another runaway plan or attempt is a kick in the shin that bruises and buckles our knees for a moment. It could be easy just to shrug our shoulders and dismiss our hearts to not really care - It's more comfortable to distance ourselves and disconnect. A simple protective measure to prevent us from the hurt and fear of failure. How to respond? Throw in the towel -choose something else or someone else that gives more satisfaction.....meets OUR needs???

Unconditional love takes much more from the soul - it doesn't measure the cost, the outcome, the benefits, the obstacles or results......it continues, grows, deepens. How often we love with hidden expectations that measure and weigh.....

Many count the cost and walk away .....in pursuit of SELF.....

It is too high, requires too much of ourselves, our time, our money, our effort, our tears, our dreams, our pride, our position, our hopes, our prayers, our plans......Too many sacrifices.......and if we do decide to give it all......with nothing in return?????

To choose to stay, to throw away the measuring stick and to love anyway despite all that we see, feel and experience is the greatest adventure which is counted as never failing........

.....is real pursuit of HIM and his heart......

Love ' covers all, believes all, expects all, endures all. Love never fails......and now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love' 1 Corinthians 13