Hot angry tears leaked out this afternoon - my ugly cry at another injustice! Triggered after an unmerciful stream of so many things that you just can't post on facebook or share publicly;
Fights that you carry in your heart, behind the silent doors, trying to maintain integrity in a corrupt system that walks arrogantly on the other side of the street ignoring the real cry of the innocent.
A family that lost their father, brutally murdered in broad public while selling eggs in the market,
Offices that lie and steal a week's food budget, charging extortionate fees or fines for papers that you already filed and paid for, unmoved to graciously admit their errors,
A mother at our gate, with a broken jaw and black eyes from domestic violence,
A boy you finally reunited with his found family last year, shot in the head by an officer for being in the wrong place at the wrong time....(he is thankfully, still alive!)
These are not movie storylines or outtake scenes,
This is our messiness, without answers, explanation or justification.
Sometimes my hope just runs out;
I am disappointed,
Frustrated, demoralised,
Lost in an endless scrum of outward attacks and inward doubts,
Wrestling unseen enemies I don't even know or understand anymore......
Pushing against the flow week after week, wondering when the barrage ends?
Why such a battle on every side just to help children?
Why such a war in order to offer a family?
Clashes, assaults - strategic and relentless.
If we will not fight.... who will?
If we will not get back up after each knockdown, who will walk beside them?
Who will speak up when their voices have been silenced?
Who will hold them when their bodies moan with a fever?
Is it still enough?
Those questions plague me - not with guilt (although I am honestly tempted to retreat and hide), but with resolve and acceptance to take another left hook blow;
I feel so foolish to dare to rise again, but I can't accept defeat as an option, despite the relentless onslaught -
" You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord who is with you. " 2 Chronicles 20:17
I read this today, just before the hot tear inflicting punch that stirred my indignant cry earlier and I realised that I honestly can't fight. I have little left of myself anymore!
BUT I can stand still!
Resurface from the surge, and stand again!
STILL means - not moving! I AM NOT MOVING!
STILL means - quiet and calm!....(I am trying!)
STILL means - I am here - I am STILL remaining regardless!
That is my only weapon - being present..... the rest of the combat belongs beyond my ability, knowledge, understanding and humanity.
I AM STILL STANDING.....this is my position!
I am not alone!
Friday, July 19, 2019
Monday, May 27, 2019
Questions I Just Can't Answer
I stopped writing.....for a long while..... I don't know if anyone noticed?
It is hard to be a voice for the voiceless.....somehow it is eventually drowned out by other dominating or attention-grabbing headlines to the point that I realise it is just a whisper that few will strain to hear.
Sometimes I am discouraged,
Sometimes I am exhausted.....
Sometimes I don't even want to speak any more as I feel like a beggar - Desperate!
I have sat on the streets next to those who live there day and night, watched the cars drive by, the people in a rush, avoiding eye contact because acknowledgement demands a response.
Eventually, you just blend in as part of the background and disappear!
Lost and invisible.
So why am I writing again....??
Because I am so limited...!
If I don't speak up - perhaps I might fade, dissolve and become invisible too!
Confessed not as a threat but a self-aware danger that lurks in the shadows.
If I don't say it how it is, then I have succumbed to my fear...and guilt for not having tried everything I can.
Do I bang the seemingly silent drum again?
After 16 years I am familiar with poverty, it is outside the doorway, next to the mall, beside the bank, in front of the park, down the alley, behind the school wall...in every direction - no escape unless you blink momentarily, or worse; look away!
I can walk, or drive, or ride.....and it's there - in my face...unrelenting.
This week I had to choose..... horrible choices-----Who do you help?
The widowed grandmother supporting 3 abandoned grandchildren in her ramshackle home. She works in a small garden, lives off vegetables and survives on P2000 a month selling what she grows (30 UK pounds or $38 US dollars a month).
The single mother whose husband left.....kids, step-kids, nieces and nephews crammed together in a bamboo hut looking to her to provide, but she doesn't have a job and they are all supposed to go to school next week.
The family who lost everything they owned in a flash flood disaster 6 years ago and have just never recovered and can't make ends meet to feed all the mouths under their one-room roof....children, grandchildren, a baby due next month.
I listen to the stories, swallow my tears, and wonder what I should do?
I just have a limited amount in my hands.....
As much as I pray, or ask, or cry, it hasn't multiplied enough to help each one......
What would YOU do?
It is hard to be a voice for the voiceless.....somehow it is eventually drowned out by other dominating or attention-grabbing headlines to the point that I realise it is just a whisper that few will strain to hear.
Sometimes I am discouraged,
Sometimes I am exhausted.....
Sometimes I don't even want to speak any more as I feel like a beggar - Desperate!
I have sat on the streets next to those who live there day and night, watched the cars drive by, the people in a rush, avoiding eye contact because acknowledgement demands a response.
Eventually, you just blend in as part of the background and disappear!
Lost and invisible.
So why am I writing again....??
Because I am so limited...!
If I don't speak up - perhaps I might fade, dissolve and become invisible too!
Confessed not as a threat but a self-aware danger that lurks in the shadows.
If I don't say it how it is, then I have succumbed to my fear...and guilt for not having tried everything I can.
Do I bang the seemingly silent drum again?
How Do You Choose?
After 16 years I am familiar with poverty, it is outside the doorway, next to the mall, beside the bank, in front of the park, down the alley, behind the school wall...in every direction - no escape unless you blink momentarily, or worse; look away!
I can walk, or drive, or ride.....and it's there - in my face...unrelenting.
This week I had to choose..... horrible choices-----Who do you help?
The widowed grandmother supporting 3 abandoned grandchildren in her ramshackle home. She works in a small garden, lives off vegetables and survives on P2000 a month selling what she grows (30 UK pounds or $38 US dollars a month).
The single mother whose husband left.....kids, step-kids, nieces and nephews crammed together in a bamboo hut looking to her to provide, but she doesn't have a job and they are all supposed to go to school next week.
The family who lost everything they owned in a flash flood disaster 6 years ago and have just never recovered and can't make ends meet to feed all the mouths under their one-room roof....children, grandchildren, a baby due next month.
I listen to the stories, swallow my tears, and wonder what I should do?
I just have a limited amount in my hands.....
As much as I pray, or ask, or cry, it hasn't multiplied enough to help each one......
What would YOU do?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)